My Experience of Depression
It was a Saturday. I was trying to finish a sermon but couldn’t quite get it done. Feelings of sadness didn’t help. Maybe going for a walk would. It didn’t. Despite the beautiful fall afternoon, the sad feelings only increased. They reached a point of almost overwhelming me with their power. I knew I had to do something.
I had heard of a natural remedy that could help. I drove to a store, purchased a bottle, and took the recommended dose. I went back to continue my walk. In less than a half-hour I felt much better. The sad feelings were gone, and I was able to go back to work.
What made the difference? Was it the chemical in the herb? Had the Holy Spirit moved parishioners to pray for me? Was it the act of doing something about it instead of being overcome by the sad feelings? Or was it all three? I don’t know.
I may have been organically depressed, and the chemical made a difference. I later used a prescribed medication which helps to increase the brain serotonin levels. But its benefits and use are way beyond the scope of this article and should be discussed with a professional.
Instead, I want to share what I learned about the effect of my thinking and actions on feelings of depression. I found that I could almost always trace feelings of sadness back to wrong thinking especially in giving the wrong meaning to life events.
Two resources have been especially helpful in learning about the impact of negative thinking and the power of truth. A friend who was a wise Christian counselor taught me how our thoughts can determine our feelings. I learned to recognize that when I was feeling down, then most likely I was thinking something that was not true.
That approach is explained by William Backus in Telling the Truth to Troubled People.1 He notes how Martin Luther pointed to the “misbeliefs” that plague us. Backus writes about the source of those misbeliefs and the freedom that comes from discovering and believing the truth.
I am not writing as a professional. Yes, I am a pastor, but I am not trained in psychology, medicine, or counseling. I am writing out of my past experience of depression and summarizing what the Holy Spirit did to set me free. I do believe in the power of prayer. Yet I also know that it is unfair to tell a depressed person to just pray. In my experience, God gave me release from depression by showing me the wrong thinking that led to the sad feelings and by helping me to live in the truth.
These three misperceptions typically triggered depression.
Comparisons:
When I was a child, comparisons sounded like: Our neighbors have a newer tractor, the other boys run faster than I do, or I’m stuck on this farm helping dad while other kids get to go swimming and play baseball.
And even though I could get A’s in schoolwork and even though my team—the Milwaukee Braves—won the 1957 World Series, those happy experiences were short-lived and did not overcome my feelings of sadness resulting from comparisons.
Envy and covetousness can easily surface when comparing. Someone else seems more capable, more successful, or more esteemed and those thoughts of “being less than” could take over my thinking and give way to feelings of sadness.
Insecurity:
Insecurity could often catch me in its trap. It is rooted in a need for approval. I needed others to like me, to think well of me, to say that I was doing a good job.
If criticism came my way, like when I didn’t finish a project on time or didn’t do it well enough, I often got defensive and made excuses. This defensiveness could be expressed even more harshly as aggression. When I could no longer defend myself, and feared that others did not have positive opinions of me, I became depressed.
For example, as a pastor, uncertainty over my performance could lead to feelings of insecurity. I often began to imagine the criticism of others. That’s how distorted my thinking could become.
Disapproval:
Being passed over, not making the team, rejection, being ignored; these are all forms of disapproval. Disapproval often possessed a greater power over me than the first two triggers. Comparisons and insecurity could arise in my own thinking and perceptions, then I interpreted the actions of others to mean that I was devalued in some way as a person. The actual experience, coupled with my misinterpretation of its meaning, resulted in my deepest feelings of depression.
Living in the Truth
So how does the gospel set me free? In several ways. When I want to justify myself through the approval of others, the gospel tells me that God has already justified me in Christ. When insecurity gives rise to feelings of disapproval, I can confess that God approves of me in Christ Jesus. The gospel reminds me of the value God has given me as his child. My heavenly Father has created me and his Son has redeemed me. I can confess, “I believe that God has created me… and that he gives to me food and clothing, home and family, and all material blessings.” 2 Hearing and applying the gospel is not automatic, but I can rest in the immeasurable value God has given to me in creating me and in giving his Son for me.
I don’t mean to suggest that these lessons are easy to learn. Often, I needed to journal about my feelings (or speak with someone I trusted) to discover the error in the thinking that led to them. Then I needed the Holy Spirit to reveal the misbelief that led to the feeling. Vigilance in hearing God speak truth through his Word has also been an absolute necessity for me.
Though difficult, the experience of depression has better equipped me to reflect with others about their lives. It has been a necessary thorn in the flesh for me. Most importantly, feelings of depression have helped me consider more deeply the suffering of Jesus Christ my Savior. Although I would rather be upbeat all the time, I am just very grateful for knowing the One “who loved me and gave himself for me” (Gal. 2:20).
Dr. David Veum is Retired President Emeritus of Lutheran Brethren Seminary and currently an adjunct faculty as Professor of Practical Theology.
I had heard of a natural remedy that could help. I drove to a store, purchased a bottle, and took the recommended dose. I went back to continue my walk. In less than a half-hour I felt much better. The sad feelings were gone, and I was able to go back to work.
What made the difference? Was it the chemical in the herb? Had the Holy Spirit moved parishioners to pray for me? Was it the act of doing something about it instead of being overcome by the sad feelings? Or was it all three? I don’t know.
I may have been organically depressed, and the chemical made a difference. I later used a prescribed medication which helps to increase the brain serotonin levels. But its benefits and use are way beyond the scope of this article and should be discussed with a professional.
Instead, I want to share what I learned about the effect of my thinking and actions on feelings of depression. I found that I could almost always trace feelings of sadness back to wrong thinking especially in giving the wrong meaning to life events.
Two resources have been especially helpful in learning about the impact of negative thinking and the power of truth. A friend who was a wise Christian counselor taught me how our thoughts can determine our feelings. I learned to recognize that when I was feeling down, then most likely I was thinking something that was not true.
That approach is explained by William Backus in Telling the Truth to Troubled People.1 He notes how Martin Luther pointed to the “misbeliefs” that plague us. Backus writes about the source of those misbeliefs and the freedom that comes from discovering and believing the truth.
I am not writing as a professional. Yes, I am a pastor, but I am not trained in psychology, medicine, or counseling. I am writing out of my past experience of depression and summarizing what the Holy Spirit did to set me free. I do believe in the power of prayer. Yet I also know that it is unfair to tell a depressed person to just pray. In my experience, God gave me release from depression by showing me the wrong thinking that led to the sad feelings and by helping me to live in the truth.
These three misperceptions typically triggered depression.
Comparisons:
When I was a child, comparisons sounded like: Our neighbors have a newer tractor, the other boys run faster than I do, or I’m stuck on this farm helping dad while other kids get to go swimming and play baseball.
And even though I could get A’s in schoolwork and even though my team—the Milwaukee Braves—won the 1957 World Series, those happy experiences were short-lived and did not overcome my feelings of sadness resulting from comparisons.
Envy and covetousness can easily surface when comparing. Someone else seems more capable, more successful, or more esteemed and those thoughts of “being less than” could take over my thinking and give way to feelings of sadness.
Insecurity:
Insecurity could often catch me in its trap. It is rooted in a need for approval. I needed others to like me, to think well of me, to say that I was doing a good job.
If criticism came my way, like when I didn’t finish a project on time or didn’t do it well enough, I often got defensive and made excuses. This defensiveness could be expressed even more harshly as aggression. When I could no longer defend myself, and feared that others did not have positive opinions of me, I became depressed.
For example, as a pastor, uncertainty over my performance could lead to feelings of insecurity. I often began to imagine the criticism of others. That’s how distorted my thinking could become.
Disapproval:
Being passed over, not making the team, rejection, being ignored; these are all forms of disapproval. Disapproval often possessed a greater power over me than the first two triggers. Comparisons and insecurity could arise in my own thinking and perceptions, then I interpreted the actions of others to mean that I was devalued in some way as a person. The actual experience, coupled with my misinterpretation of its meaning, resulted in my deepest feelings of depression.
Living in the Truth
So how does the gospel set me free? In several ways. When I want to justify myself through the approval of others, the gospel tells me that God has already justified me in Christ. When insecurity gives rise to feelings of disapproval, I can confess that God approves of me in Christ Jesus. The gospel reminds me of the value God has given me as his child. My heavenly Father has created me and his Son has redeemed me. I can confess, “I believe that God has created me… and that he gives to me food and clothing, home and family, and all material blessings.” 2 Hearing and applying the gospel is not automatic, but I can rest in the immeasurable value God has given to me in creating me and in giving his Son for me.
I don’t mean to suggest that these lessons are easy to learn. Often, I needed to journal about my feelings (or speak with someone I trusted) to discover the error in the thinking that led to them. Then I needed the Holy Spirit to reveal the misbelief that led to the feeling. Vigilance in hearing God speak truth through his Word has also been an absolute necessity for me.
Though difficult, the experience of depression has better equipped me to reflect with others about their lives. It has been a necessary thorn in the flesh for me. Most importantly, feelings of depression have helped me consider more deeply the suffering of Jesus Christ my Savior. Although I would rather be upbeat all the time, I am just very grateful for knowing the One “who loved me and gave himself for me” (Gal. 2:20).
Dr. David Veum is Retired President Emeritus of Lutheran Brethren Seminary and currently an adjunct faculty as Professor of Practical Theology.
1 William Backus. Telling the Truth to Troubled People. (Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers. 1985)
2 Meaning of the Second Article of the Apostle’s Creed, The Explanation of Luther’s Small Catechism. (Fergus Falls: MN: Faith and Fellowship Press. 1992)
2 Meaning of the Second Article of the Apostle’s Creed, The Explanation of Luther’s Small Catechism. (Fergus Falls: MN: Faith and Fellowship Press. 1992)
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