Kids, Trauma, and Ministry
I have served in youth ministry for nearly 20 years. One of my biggest priorities is supporting students as they go through challenges in their lives. I am not a mental health expert, but I am here to tell my story and share advice coming out of my successes, as well as my failures.
One simple advice I have as you minister is to not make promises you may not be able to keep. One way I failed at this was that I told my students that I would never let them down. This was a mistake! I am human and I will, at one time or another, let them down. Be transparent with your students. Being open and vulnerable with them will mean so much and will help them trust you. I now tell them that I am going to do everything I can to be there for them because they are valuable to me. This also opens up the opportunity to tell them how Christ will actually never let them down. Caring for your students’ mental health starts with trust. Being open and honest about our own brokenness and struggles creates an environment where students feel safe and open to share their own struggles.
Mental health is complicated. There are many books written on the subject. So, I want to narrow my focus for this article down to the effects of trauma. I will break down three areas and share some stories of how I learned to care for students during my years of ministry. Please keep in mind that I am not a professional. However, these are some ways you, as a youth leader, friend, or volunteer, can care for students who are walking through some dark times in their lives and create opportunities to point them to Christ.
Environmental Trauma
Sometimes things happen, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Often there’s no one to blame for it either. This can be something like a death in the family, homelessness, or a natural disaster. In these cases, find ways to remove stress from their life in order to give them room to process and heal. Helping them with schoolwork, caring for their pets, or offering to give rides to appointments are small things that make a big difference in their emotional health.
I have a friend who lost her husband in a freak accident. One of the scariest things for her to do in the days after was going out to the store for toothpaste. She expected the funeral to be hard, and going through his things was gut-wrenching―but going to the store when she wasn’t ready to be out in public, that was the hardest thing for her. So, in support of a family in a traumatic situation, I always bring them a care package of essentials: toothpaste, toilet paper, soap, laundry detergent, things that you can’t go without. That way, they can decide when they are ready to go out, instead of feeling like they have to. This is also a great opportunity to show your student that you care by putting together a gift basket for them with their favorite snacks, drinks, and other things they love. They’ll remember that and know that you’re thinking of them in hard times.
When the student is ready to talk to you, be careful to speak about God in a way that they will understand. For example, it’s unhelpful to use the phrase “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” Remember, your student feels like their whole world is falling in on them and, in that moment, it’s absolutely more than they can bear. Another phrase to avoid is, “I know how you feel.” Though you’re wanting them to know you understand, there’s a human tendency to fill the void with words, and this may make them feel more alone. It won’t necessarily hurt to share your own experiences, but often saying something as simple as, “This sucks!” and “I’m really sorry you’re going through this right now,” is all they need to hear. That shows them you’re willing to slow things down and spend time with them. Listen to them, and let them know they’re not alone.
Because there is no place to put blame, the default tends to be on God. The mom of one of my students died very tragically. He was also kind of a trouble-maker in the community, so there weren’t many adults who sympathized with him. I messaged him often, checked in, and just told him his situation stunk and I was sorry he had to go through it. He would respond kindly at times, but other times he was pretty mean. Grief is a complicated process, so I just let him be mad. This is when you need to show them who Christ is without preaching to them. One day he asked me why I kept checking in on him even when he was mean to me. This was my chance to tell him I did it because that’s what Jesus does for me. This relationship has now been going on for years. He isn’t attending church yet, but I know he isn’t mad at God anymore.
Past Trauma
Past trauma never really stays in the past; it bleeds into all aspects of our life. I once had a student whose trauma became very public. It was an incident that happened years before but came out later in a very big way. I reached out to ask if they were coming to youth group or wanted to meet for coffee. Finally, they ghosted me. Years later, they told me my messages had made them uncomfortable. My heart broke as I realized that they didn’t want to go to youth group or a coffee shop because they felt all eyes would be on them, judging them. They thought I knew the details, but I didn’t. The mistake I made was not asking more questions. I needed to ask what they wanted to do, or even why they didn’t want to meet. I simply didn’t see beyond my goal of getting them to church. What they needed, in those dark days, was a friend. I have a quote I live by, “If you can’t see the bright side, I’ll sit with you in the dark.” This is what this student needed.
Self-harm
Self-harm requires a lot of transparency and communication. If you have a student who is harming themselves or has expressed thoughts of suicide, this needs to be reported. It’s also important to get professionals involved as soon as possible. However, be sure they know you are there for them, and you’re not going to leave them on their own. A girl once told me she was suicidal. I told her parents right away, but then I got really uncomfortable and let the situation be. I never got that relationship back because she not only felt betrayed, but I also made her feel unvalued at a time when she needed me to show her how valuable she was.
The dialog that happens in those moments has to be a lot more extensive. The conversation should be less about who we are going to immediately tell and more about why they feel the way they feel. This shows them that you care about them while you are learning how you can help. They need to know that you will walk with them all the way through this recovery. As they trust you more, they will listen to the reasons why others should know about their struggles and how this will help them get the help they need from people who truly care about them. When someone tells you they are harming themselves or even considering suicide, this is not a weight that you should carry alone, so don’t do this alone. Bring in help, but also let that person know you aren’t going anywhere. They trusted you enough to tell you, don’t betray that trust by abandoning them. Showing them love like Jesus’ love is so important, because in that moment they don’t see that they are loved.
No matter what, meet your hurting students where they are. They likely have many people telling them what to do better or how they should work harder. Those motivations are great and important in a certain time and place, but often what a kid needs is someone who loves them for who they are, who wants to know how they’re feeling and isn’t afraid of all their baggage. Isn’t that what we all need? Someone to listen, care, and love us?
Mental health is complicated. Trauma of all types seeps into all areas of our lives, no matter how big or small it is. We are human. No one is perfect―but Jesus is. His perfection is what we can point to as we sit next to a hurting student. It doesn’t take the pain away, erase the trauma, or suddenly cure the depression, but we get to reflect Christ’s love onto them and remind them of the hope we all have in him.
Stacia Sytsma has served in youth ministry both as staff and volunteer for nearly 20 years at both Hope Lutheran Brethren Church in Barnesville, MN and Triumph Lutheran Brethren Church in Moorhead, MN/West Fargo, ND.
One simple advice I have as you minister is to not make promises you may not be able to keep. One way I failed at this was that I told my students that I would never let them down. This was a mistake! I am human and I will, at one time or another, let them down. Be transparent with your students. Being open and vulnerable with them will mean so much and will help them trust you. I now tell them that I am going to do everything I can to be there for them because they are valuable to me. This also opens up the opportunity to tell them how Christ will actually never let them down. Caring for your students’ mental health starts with trust. Being open and honest about our own brokenness and struggles creates an environment where students feel safe and open to share their own struggles.
Mental health is complicated. There are many books written on the subject. So, I want to narrow my focus for this article down to the effects of trauma. I will break down three areas and share some stories of how I learned to care for students during my years of ministry. Please keep in mind that I am not a professional. However, these are some ways you, as a youth leader, friend, or volunteer, can care for students who are walking through some dark times in their lives and create opportunities to point them to Christ.
Environmental Trauma
Sometimes things happen, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Often there’s no one to blame for it either. This can be something like a death in the family, homelessness, or a natural disaster. In these cases, find ways to remove stress from their life in order to give them room to process and heal. Helping them with schoolwork, caring for their pets, or offering to give rides to appointments are small things that make a big difference in their emotional health.
I have a friend who lost her husband in a freak accident. One of the scariest things for her to do in the days after was going out to the store for toothpaste. She expected the funeral to be hard, and going through his things was gut-wrenching―but going to the store when she wasn’t ready to be out in public, that was the hardest thing for her. So, in support of a family in a traumatic situation, I always bring them a care package of essentials: toothpaste, toilet paper, soap, laundry detergent, things that you can’t go without. That way, they can decide when they are ready to go out, instead of feeling like they have to. This is also a great opportunity to show your student that you care by putting together a gift basket for them with their favorite snacks, drinks, and other things they love. They’ll remember that and know that you’re thinking of them in hard times.
When the student is ready to talk to you, be careful to speak about God in a way that they will understand. For example, it’s unhelpful to use the phrase “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” Remember, your student feels like their whole world is falling in on them and, in that moment, it’s absolutely more than they can bear. Another phrase to avoid is, “I know how you feel.” Though you’re wanting them to know you understand, there’s a human tendency to fill the void with words, and this may make them feel more alone. It won’t necessarily hurt to share your own experiences, but often saying something as simple as, “This sucks!” and “I’m really sorry you’re going through this right now,” is all they need to hear. That shows them you’re willing to slow things down and spend time with them. Listen to them, and let them know they’re not alone.
Because there is no place to put blame, the default tends to be on God. The mom of one of my students died very tragically. He was also kind of a trouble-maker in the community, so there weren’t many adults who sympathized with him. I messaged him often, checked in, and just told him his situation stunk and I was sorry he had to go through it. He would respond kindly at times, but other times he was pretty mean. Grief is a complicated process, so I just let him be mad. This is when you need to show them who Christ is without preaching to them. One day he asked me why I kept checking in on him even when he was mean to me. This was my chance to tell him I did it because that’s what Jesus does for me. This relationship has now been going on for years. He isn’t attending church yet, but I know he isn’t mad at God anymore.
Past Trauma
Past trauma never really stays in the past; it bleeds into all aspects of our life. I once had a student whose trauma became very public. It was an incident that happened years before but came out later in a very big way. I reached out to ask if they were coming to youth group or wanted to meet for coffee. Finally, they ghosted me. Years later, they told me my messages had made them uncomfortable. My heart broke as I realized that they didn’t want to go to youth group or a coffee shop because they felt all eyes would be on them, judging them. They thought I knew the details, but I didn’t. The mistake I made was not asking more questions. I needed to ask what they wanted to do, or even why they didn’t want to meet. I simply didn’t see beyond my goal of getting them to church. What they needed, in those dark days, was a friend. I have a quote I live by, “If you can’t see the bright side, I’ll sit with you in the dark.” This is what this student needed.
Self-harm
Self-harm requires a lot of transparency and communication. If you have a student who is harming themselves or has expressed thoughts of suicide, this needs to be reported. It’s also important to get professionals involved as soon as possible. However, be sure they know you are there for them, and you’re not going to leave them on their own. A girl once told me she was suicidal. I told her parents right away, but then I got really uncomfortable and let the situation be. I never got that relationship back because she not only felt betrayed, but I also made her feel unvalued at a time when she needed me to show her how valuable she was.
The dialog that happens in those moments has to be a lot more extensive. The conversation should be less about who we are going to immediately tell and more about why they feel the way they feel. This shows them that you care about them while you are learning how you can help. They need to know that you will walk with them all the way through this recovery. As they trust you more, they will listen to the reasons why others should know about their struggles and how this will help them get the help they need from people who truly care about them. When someone tells you they are harming themselves or even considering suicide, this is not a weight that you should carry alone, so don’t do this alone. Bring in help, but also let that person know you aren’t going anywhere. They trusted you enough to tell you, don’t betray that trust by abandoning them. Showing them love like Jesus’ love is so important, because in that moment they don’t see that they are loved.
No matter what, meet your hurting students where they are. They likely have many people telling them what to do better or how they should work harder. Those motivations are great and important in a certain time and place, but often what a kid needs is someone who loves them for who they are, who wants to know how they’re feeling and isn’t afraid of all their baggage. Isn’t that what we all need? Someone to listen, care, and love us?
Mental health is complicated. Trauma of all types seeps into all areas of our lives, no matter how big or small it is. We are human. No one is perfect―but Jesus is. His perfection is what we can point to as we sit next to a hurting student. It doesn’t take the pain away, erase the trauma, or suddenly cure the depression, but we get to reflect Christ’s love onto them and remind them of the hope we all have in him.
Stacia Sytsma has served in youth ministry both as staff and volunteer for nearly 20 years at both Hope Lutheran Brethren Church in Barnesville, MN and Triumph Lutheran Brethren Church in Moorhead, MN/West Fargo, ND.
1 Comment
Sensitivity and discernment - not just in youth ministry but especially there - are critical. Developing listening skills. Learning how to care. And having a zero tolerance policy for gossip and malicious judgment (two things that have practically killed me) are so important to learn at an early age. That is what builds compassion. It doesn't come automatically. You learn it by practicing it. You sound like an awesome youth leader. Thank you for a spot-on article.